I like words. Words seem to like me. But in this instance, finding a way to put the mess of words in my heart in a methodical way that would make sense is difficult. So. However these words come out…is how they’ll come out. I never really edit what I write because it takes away from the rawness of who I am. But I tend to have a method. Today. There is no method. Only love. Real. Raw. Vulnerable. Unedited. Love.
A chapter has officially ended.
The beauty of life is that there is always more. More growth. More love. More moments. More pain. More struggles. More success. More fear. More etc. The list goes on and on and on.
Yesterday was one of the most bitter sweet days in my 23 years of life. Last year. I thought ending a 5 year relationship was the scariest thing on planet Earth. And then after that, I thought moving to Dayton was the most frightening thing I could ever do. And then, falling in love again held a bear claw grip on my heart. What I’ve learned from these moments is to trust my fear. You know what happened every time I took a leap of love instead of listening to the trembling fear? Doorways opened. Like giant Cathedral doorways. I had to create space for the possibilities to show themselves to me. And it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t easy. It’s downright terrifying.
A little over a year ago I started working at this place that I absolutely adored. I made some of the best friendships, and I experienced the highest amounts of growth from working there. For me, it was the first step to create the life I desired. It was the first step to leave behind a life that made me feel quite terrible. It was where this exquisite metamorphosis began. I had the time and space to figure myself out. I was surrounded by encouraging people that simply wanted to better each other. And I could express something I wanted to do, but was afraid, and got enormous amounts of encouragement. And that’s how I found myself. I wasn’t afraid to express my true desires or my true feelings. I got to leave behind the bullshit walls I took so long to build. It was a space where I got to find myself away from yoga. It was a stepping stone.
My dream in life is to teach yoga. Write. Yoga. Live. Love. For years I was afraid this would never happen. And so I didn’t do anything. I didn’t put forth effort to make it happen. And then I started meeting some powerful people. And then all these amazing people started waltzing into my life. My tribe. And then the tribe started to grow rapidly. A tribe of people living their dreams and doing it. Truly doing it. What is it? Whatever the hell they wanted it to be. But the puzzle piece that brought it all together was allowing love to reenter my life. I have cried countless times over my dreams. And I have cried countless times with him over my dreams. But something was different. Besides lovingly listening, there was patience. Patience as I was stubborn with believing in myself and my potential. Patience as I cried over the same shit after we’ve talked about it over and over and over again. Patience after many times he said “just do it” and I would say “not yet.” The time wasn’t right yet. But after a few weeks I would come back and present my next mission. A baby step to the goal. And then I would present each baby step with my sisters. To which there was always “of course you can do it.” I simply had to find the belief in myself before I could do it. Everyone else already saw it and believed it. 100% honesty. Every single step was surrounded by fear. But I found strength through taking the step anyway. I found power by not so much ignoring the fear, but by looking fear in the eye and taking the step anyway.
Looking back I see that what felt like baby steps were actually continental leaps. Because who I was a year ago is no longer who I am now. I never thought I would be here this quickly. At 14 years old I knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. And the only reason I’m here is because I have an incredible support system. My mom never once scoffed at my dream of being a yoga teacher. Most people would say “yoga doesn’t pay the bills. You need a real job.” But for me, money has never been the goal. I never grew up with money. I was taken care of. I had all that I needed. And I was spoiled with love. And so my dream was fueled by passion alone. I wanted to help people feel good. Scratch that. I wanted to help people feel amazing. I wanted people to feel whole. Worthy. Loved. And that is still the goal. That will always be the mission in this life I live. And I’m incredibly blessed that I am able to support myself doing what I love.
And so. I figured out what all I needed to do to support myself fully in what I love. I sat down and wrote it all out. Boyfriend came home, and I told him my plan. And the reaction I got that day still makes me tear up and makes my heart go all fluttery. There wasn’t a shred of doubt. Not a single ounce. And so I went to work. I made it happen. I was patiently impatient. I wanted it to happen right NOW! But the Universe works in mysterious ways, and not on your time. So I had to be patient while I was antsy. It’s going to happen. Not if. When. And I had to trust that.
Yesterday was my last day at my beloved job. My slice of comfort in my old home. It was the cutting of the tie of my past life. And oh my heart, did it hurt. That. Was the single most terrifying decision of my life. The biggest leap. A leap I only ever dreamed of taking. And everyone I ever worked with there, during my last week, showered me with love and acceptance and “I’m proud of you” and “you’re going to do great” and “you’re amazing.” I’m humble enough to say that yes, my ego loved all of it. But my heart took all of the encouragement. It was like the last bit of validation that I felt I needed to take this leap. That yes, I am doing what I’m put on this Earth to do.
And so I sit here. Still crying. Overwhelmed with gratitude.
I am a yoga teacher. I am a writer.
And that is that.
But I am much more.
I am a manifester. I am a dreamer. I am a believer. I am a doer. I am a lover. I am a giver.
A chapter has ended. But the book is not over. The metamorphosis is not over. It’s never over. It’s ever changing. Forever growing. Continuously expanding.
The real work begins.
What else is possible?
Thank you. All of you. For being a part of this journey. Whether you’ve been here for a while or only a day. You all have inspired me to keep moving forward.
I love you.
From the very bottom of my heart.
Where only the purest love grows.