I’m just going to cut right to it…
Christian terminology triggers me. As soon as I hear the words “God” “Christ” “worship” even “church”… I get uncomfortable. I start to feel panicked and begin to shut down.
I remember, many years ago, being so excited to share a spiritual book with my Grandpa, who was a pastor, and he said “This is rubbish, but you should still read it and base your own opinions.” He then handed me one of his favorite Bibles, and told me what to read.
Full honesty. I’ve never picked it up since that day, other than when I’m moving to keep it in a safe place. I have always been taught to respect this text, which I have, but I’ve never fully devoted myself to it. I couldn’t tell you what force has kept me away from it… maybe it’s just my own projections.
But here recently, as some of you know, I’ve dived into Kundalini yoga…. and guess what… Some of these terms are coming back into my life. My immediate reaction is to shut down and totally discredit this whole technology…. but then again, I’ve had enormous growth with this practice.
So I started to dive a bit deeper. I began asking for signs on “how to trust the process” and simply “how to understand.”
Right now, I’m reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. The intro sucked me in. She understands how I feel, even though I don’t quite understand how I feel… and then I dive fully in and there’s abundant Christian terminology and I just want to run.
I am a witch. I study Goddess witchcraft. I study Divine Femininity. I study the Salem Witch Trials. Currently, Christian terminology frightens me because I read history, and how women like myself have been shunned, excommunicated, and killed for simply being accused of witchcraft. It’s a total mind fuck (excuse my French) to study all of this together.
And yet… here I am, still reading this book because the last line of her Preface states “I have written it with an open heart. I hope you’ll read it with an open mind.” Which is my motto and mission for everything.
So I continue. Even though I want to change every “God” into “Universe”. Even though I’ve heard her discredit magic and say it shouldn’t be practiced…. because you shouldn’t use the powers of the Universe for personal gain. Which I agree. But to me, magic IS the Universe. I use magic to keep myself in touch with the spirit realm… my spirit… the Higher Power. I use rituals in my daily life. How I make my tea. How I make my coffee… How I cook food… it all stems from a place of ritual and magic.
And the more I think about it… the more I can relate what I practice to these texts I’m studying. My interpretation… All these teachers are teaching the same thing. Live from a place of love. Do all things from a place of love. The only thing different is my term for love is Universe while others is God. My way of worship is being in tune with the Moon and Mother Nature, her beauty and respecting her. My way of prayer is daily affirmations and questions for the Universe. My path to love is simply holding a safe space within and around myself so others may, even for just a few moments, feel the safety they need to carry on.
Today. During my physical practice I felt like I could never catch my breath. I felt like I was fighting to complete the practice. So I gave myself all the breaks I needed and all the forgiveness to have a not so great day. When I got home, I sat down on my meditation cushion. Set myself up with a simple and sweet Kundalini meditation… and halfway through I heard the sweetest “Thank you.” I found my breath. My chest released it’s squeeze. I found what I’ve been searching for. This love and intuition that comes from a place within and around myself. My connection.
So my inner guidance system is telling me to carry on and continue my areas of study. To learn why WORDS can trigger a heavy emotional response. To trust my intuition and that I am not some evil witch. I am good. I am whole. I am worthy of love from love itself. And I am allowed to be who I am without fear of judgment because spirituality is individual and not meant to be judged. It is a deep internal journey of oneself to the powers of love.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. This isn’t an easy thing to share because I still fear judgment. I still fear being written off for my viewpoints. I still fear being shunned for being a witch. But this is where my vulnerability has taken me right now… and while this particular journey has made me question everything, it has also given me the most clarity, the most grounding, and the most acceptance.
So my wish for you is to keep an open mind. To form your own opinions and beliefs even if it goes against everything you’ve ever been taught. To ask questions. To trust your own intuition.