The art of individuality.
Navigating these realms within myself is such a fulfilling adventure.
Witnessing patterns, observing what causes old habits to resurface, and patiently acknowledging my triggers. This process is tricky terrain. At one point it threw me into a deep darkness for at least a week.
But my inner guidance, intuition and Goddess keeps reminding me this deep soul work is necessary.
At the beginning of my 24th year, I made the declaration “I want to be a strong woman.” Let me just say that when you make a statement like that, watch out… The Universe, Spirit, Goddess, (insert your word) immediately tests you. She/(insert your preferred pronoun) sees your faults and weaknesses and sends you challenges to overcome to build your character, stamina, dexterity, and endurance.
My biggest challenge has always been my individuality. Even something as simple as “What do I wear?” For the longest time I looked at what the people around me were wearing to build my closet, until I discovered my own tastes and stopped looking externally for my pleasure. To go deeper real fast, even my spiritual beliefs were tainted by projections and what I witnessed externally.
I’ve slowly stripped away layers of training and clouded-ness to find my intuition. And every single time I noticed a thought or pattern that wasn’t mine, I got to sit with it and discover how it did in fact shape me. Over time these old patterns would fall away, the more I trusted my intuition as she undressed.
Within this process, which I’m only hitting the tip of the iceberg, I’ve worked through many triggers that would normally put me in a downward spiral. For instance, Christian terminology no longer steals my air nor makes me question my beliefs. I had to sit with all of that discomfort and dig through the bull shit to find her there. My intuition. And how she speaks within this specific realm. Once I found her though, a whole new world presented itself. I was granted incredibly special beings that view all things as sacred. I gained a deeper respect for Mother Earth, and how I may give back to her. I learned what prayer means to me. And what hit me so deeply, I found the part of myself that I always hid in fear of being judged.
So I stand here now, with more layers to sift through, feeling more sturdy. Like my respect for the Mother has supported my grounding, so each step I take is a moment of gratitude. I’ve learned how to set boundaries, not to keep people out, but to keep me in. No longer chasing the sensation dragon, or following an unknown pack to prove myself. Within these boundaries, I’ve discovered more of my self worth. Within this soul work, I’ve found my sisters are not my competition. Within this Goddess work, I’ve realized my shadow is not to be feared. She’s just like me… scared shitless from time to time, and fears being left behind.
Through it all, I see the child within who only wishes to roll around in the dirt and sing to the water and pray to the stars…. and my mission from here on out is to grant her those wishes. And to keep building myself up as a strong woman.. because I haven’t done this work to allow it to be taken with my exhales.
With all this being said, if you are having a tough time and you cannot pull yourself out of the depths, please seek help. Therapy is not to be belittled. Nature isn’t always the cure. My form of therapy and guidance isn’t going to work for everyone. However, it fully supports and sustains me. On top of that, my way isn’t the only way. Dig your own path. Continue to ask questions and further listen to what guides you. The intuition is a powerful source.
Keep being you.
I got your back.