Reflection

Through conversation, I realized this month marks my 5 year teaching anniversary.
That immediately put me in an intense introspective/reminiscing state of mind.
I’m in a much different place than I thought I would be. I have accomplished every goal I have set for myself… at 26 years old. I don’t feel enlightened yet. I do feel a sense of success, but I’m most proud of all of my failures. There’s been a lot of shit in the last 5 years. I feel like a completely different human…. like I’m gearing myself up for a new phase. Reminiscing on the past 5 years definitely reminds me that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway. It terrifies the shit out of me, and humbles me to my core.

Being a Yoga Teacher is a very… let’s just say.. interesting job. I get to live in yoga pants (let’s be real, I was going to do that anyway). I’ve made some pretty amazing friendships. I’ve also lost a lot of valuable relationships. I became an entrepreneur. It’s a bit more glamorized than it really is… it’s a shit ton of work y’all. It. Does. Not. Stop. Burn out is real, and it can be debilitating.

But I don’t know any other way. I have learned so much through teaching yoga… even more so than actually practicing yoga. Sometimes I take advantage of the fact that I have a career in what I devoted my life to.

Inspiration is a myth. After a few years the mysticism fades and you realize the real practice is in being human. Then the real magic begins.

People can be real assholes, but let me tell you… humans are beautiful. I’m so grateful for all the love I’ve been able to give to and receive from humans. I’ve been mourning quite a few relationship shifts as I see humans evolve and grow towards different paths. Yet I carry a grateful heart for having learned different ways to love. My favorite part has involved learning how I require love.

This exploration of self is what deepens my curiosity every day. Through my experience I’ve learned that when I feel really low, it generally means there’s going to be lift off real soon. I’ve also learned that it’s intense pressure to put financial burden on your passions. Give yourself room for play y’all! It’s not always going to feel like play. Some days you don’t even want to, but then the deep love and admiration shows. It’s like when you’re grumpy with your partner and/or best friend. You’re still going to show up for them.

This practice becomes part of you. You start to learn about your essence. If you’re like me, you no longer question “Who am I?” but “What am I?”. And then you lose yourself and have to go back to remembering your sense of self. It never ends. There have been moments where I’m like “Oh cool. So THIS is me. I like me.” and then something makes it uncomfortable. Growth spurt. and “Oh cool. So THIS is me. Like really me. I like me.” and it continues. I’m beginning to wonder if life is simply meant to be this continual experience. No real goal. Just experience and picking up wisdom.

After 12 years of practicing yoga… I’m still not enlightened. And I don’t really want to be. I want to be human. I want to be surrounded by humans (okay. not literally ALL the time. I’m an introvert. So knowing you’re alive counts).

But everything I know today, I know through yoga. Either firsthand or domino effect. It’s part of my DNA at this point. I’m so excited to see where it takes me further. Yet, deeply rooted in enjoying love, being alive and celebrating all accomplishments.

I’m grateful to be where I am today. It feels quite uncomfortable. But I know the feeling will pass. Thank you for being along for the ride.

I feel like it’s time to live a life beyond my wildest dreams. I’m up for the challenge.

M.

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